Pain: A State of Mind.

The Earth is such a large place. And everyday, some people lose their close ones while some welcome a new member in their family. Everyday there is a chance that you might experience joy for something good happening to you, or you might experience the darker side, which is grief.

A lot of things have happened to me in my life. I’ve experienced a lot of ups and quiet a down moments as well. But there’s one significant memory of grief which I will carry with me till I die. 

Death is a cruel bitch. It sucks the life out of you. It takes away your strength to live. Your hope to survive starts fading. It breaks you so hard, so deep, every little connection starts aching. It kills you inside and you don’t even realise it. I left for Pune after attending the funeral of my lost soul. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, frustrated and feeling the same way as every other person feels after losing their loved ones. I stopped my tears from flooding my cheeks because I didn’t want to be weak. But I cried, I cried like a baby when I realised I was all alone in my hostel room in Pune. No matter how hard I tried to stop, No matter how hard I tried to contain myself, I couldn’t control my body, my tears. It was the worst feeling I had ever experienced in my life. And I didn’t ask for it, I begged God and asked him why it had to happen to me? I couldn’t eat for a week, I became anti social. I broke up every relation with the modern world. Weeks passed and there wasn’t a single day when I didn’t think about her. And I still used to cry sometimes, in the bathroom or under my pillow. One day there was an Extempore competition in our college and I had to speak for our class because the guy who was participating broke his leg. I had won an Extempore before, but this time was different. It was finally my turn and after I finished reading my topic, I held that chit in disbelief. It read 'A Night You Would Never Want to Live Again.'

There was one more contestant before me and I couldn’t think of anything. After worrying and hovering for 7 minutes, it was my turn. I went on to the stage confidently and held the mic tight.

"How many of you guys have experienced the loss of someone very close to you? How do you feel? Sad? Dejected? Inconsolable. Let me tell you the truth today. You feel scared. Scared of how will you manage to live without ever seeing them again. Scared of the responsibilities which lay down on your shoulders. Scared of living a life without them. My sister and I were on a bicycle. I was driving and she sat behind me. Suddenly out of the blue, A car comes our way and sends us flying in the air. It hit me and my sister, but she died instantly and I survived. I KILLED MY SISTER."

I cried my heart out on that stage. Even the judges forgot to ring the buzzer. Suddenly a person from the crowd gets up and says, “It wasn’t your fault son. I’m still lucky to have you as my child.” It was my father. He acted like a Man of Steel after the accident, but I knew he had lost more than a daughter. She was his favourite. I killed his favourite child and somehow since then, I believe I killed both his children. My father continued “There is nothing you could have done. You just have to let it go. Let go of the guilt of killing your sister, the fear of not using the elevators, start going to Parks and supermarkets again. Just let it go.” He came out and hugged me and it felt like independence. I felt free and tranquil after that hug. I heard a clap from the rear end of the room. It was one of the judges who stood up and started clapping and the voice grew louder. I knew I had to let it go. I knew I didn’t have to face the guilt of killing my sister anymore. I no longer had to lock myself in the bathroom to take Sleeping Pills and Vodka. I knew it was over and it felt like someone had released me to breathe oxygen again.

You see, Pain can be hard to deal with. But it can also teach you things you thought you were never capable of doing. It can also give you self-belief of doing things you never imagined of. After the competition, I wasn’t scared of the elevators anymore. I could look myself in the mirror and go out a happy person once again. The competition made me realise that Pain was an important feeling in our life. It was very important to feel the grief of loosing a loved one. It taught me, that pain was a Frenemy. It takes away everything from you, but it teaches you to stand up on your own ability and shows just how strong a human being is. Don’t run away from it. The more you try to suppress it, the harder it comes back to haunt you. Feel the pain, feel the grief and learn to move on with it. Nobody said it would be easy, but you will eventually get through it.

T.