The Saddest kind of Pain

The moon sparkled like a diamond in the night sky as he stared at its beauty from the balcony of his bedroom. He lay as still as a statue on the naked floor at 3 in the night and grieved again as another day he soaked all the ache and another night neared dawn . Broken and numb with all the pain that had infected his body. A cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Imperial Blue in the other, he thought about her and how every moment spent with her felt like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. As he took a drag of cigarette, he thought about how the very first time they met. It was an accident really, he was swimming and he clashed his head against hers. Little did he know that clash of heads was going to turn his life upside down. It was really quick but that moment generated a spark which ignited heavy flames of emotions. He took another drag of cigarette, this time a little longer as his mind started to feel a little dizzy. He reminisced about the first time they had kissed. How they were standing in the corridor of his house with his younger brother in the bedroom and his elder sister in the hallway and how fearless he felt when he slowly leaned forward to kiss her tenderly pink lips. In that moment, he knew he was the luckiest guy on the planet. He was kissing perhaps the most beautiful girl after Selena Gomez. A sip of Whiskey this time and now, as he gulped an entire glass in his mouth, he remembered the day when things started falling apart from them. 30th of August. He never really liked August much anyway. He thought about how quickly the girl he used to love became a complete stranger to him in the space of a couple of days. How the girl who used to talk to him all night long didn’t call him for a week. How the girl who used to reply to his texts in a lightning speed started ignoring them like it meant nothing. He was tired. Exhausted. But more importantly, he was broken. Shattered of the fact that everything had changed in a matter of couple of days.

As his first cigarette burned out, he reached for the box to light another one. He looked at the burning end of the cigarette and wondered about the fire in his soul wanting the answers to the questions he was so desperate to find. He took another sip of the whiskey, only this time directly from the bottle and drank it in one go like a child drinks milk in the morning before leaving for school. As he raised his left hand to take another drag of his cigarette, he saw the words P-A-I-N carved on his wrists with the blade. He thought about the night he first thought he was going to lose her. He was so terrified of losing her that he removed the blade from one of his sharpener and carved the letters P-A-I-N because he couldn’t stand the fact that he had disappointed her. He punished himself because he couldn’t be enough. He tried to hide it from her the next day when they met but she knew it when he was hiding something from her. She slapped him on his right cheek before immediately planting the softest of kiss on the same cheek. He hugged her tighter than he had hugged anybody and he knew she was a gem which was one of a kind and if he lost her, He’d lose the most precious thing in the world.

As the whiskey took control over his mind, he picked up his phone and started going through their old photographs. They both clicked tons of photographs together but his mobile phone was full of her photographs. Everytime he met her, he was left in awe of her beauty and couldn’t help but to keep clicking her pictures. They had quite many pictures together but he loved a couple of pictures more than any other. The first one was clicked during an event at his place. He stood behind her with his hands wrapped around hers as they smiled for the photograph. He remembered every detail of that evening as if it had just happened and everytime he missed her, he kissed the screen like an idiot hoping somehow she'd remember him and come back to him. The other picture was taken at Subway. They were waiting for their order and she was checking out her Instagram. He got up from his seat and sat right next to her, wrapped his arms around her neck and gave her a kiss on her cheek as she smiled and perfectly captured the image in his mobile phone. Those were two of the happiest days he had spent and both of them were spent with the person he loved the most.

He knew he wasn’t the best of persons. He knew he wasn't the smartest or the hot kind and he knew that he was flawed. But he also knew that he loved her right. He loved her fiercely and he loved her right. And maybe thats what hurt him the most. The fact that she became a complete stranger inspite of him loving her with the bottom of his heart. He missed the way she talked, the way she played with her hair, the way she would randomly hug him while he drove, her laugh, her face. He missed her presence, her hugs, her lips. But the one thing he missed the most was her eyes. Her eyes could take you to places you’d have never dreamed of, the kind of place where you wish to spend the rest of your life. But now she had drifted away from him, and he knew he was alone and the only choice he had was to grieve and move on. But you see thats the thing about love, you don’t ever know if the person you love so much loves you back, or the person who believes in you so much will feel the same the next morning when they wake up. I guess that’s the saddest thing of them all. Loving someone with all your heart, all your soul and realising that somehow it just wasn’t enough for them to stay. I think that’s the saddest kind of dejection in the world and it hurts like a bitch because it will ruin all the favourite places you visited with them and change all the bloody lyrics of your favourite song and worst of all, leave you broken on the floor at 3am, wondering where you went wrong or how you weren’t good enough for them and all you can do really is wipe your tears from your eyes, clean the blood spilling from your wrist and hope to fall asleep and forget about them before you give up strength and fall apart. Again.